WHAT’S THE POINT?

During this time, his Neurologist couldn’t understand how quickly Alan was deteriorating and at one time even thought he might have a brain tumor.  Alan always loved going to see his Neurologist, and there was always much laughter both in the waiting and examination room – he felt so at ease with his Doctor, who despite all the frivolity managed to assess the extent of Alan’s disease.  He never spoke over him, as if he wasn’t there, a non-entity,  but to us both,  with respect.  The Doctor had scheduled various scans, and MRI’s to determine exactly why he was deteriorating so quickly,  and one day,  even though Alan was heavily sedated we were unable to get him to lay down on the table to go through the MRI tunnel, he just wouldn’t relax and was resisting all efforts to calm him down, in the end I was half going in the machine with him. Then he jumped off the table and ran out of the Office on to busy US19, with me in hot pursuit behind him.   That night in bed during the early hours of the morning, he pleaded with me not to take him back to that place again, he didn’t like it – I knew it had frightened him.    Finally, snuggled in my arms he dropped off to sleep, but I lay awake pondering what to do.  Then I thought to myself, what exactly will more tests do, just confirm the existing diagnosis, have it written down on a piece of paper as if that made it more real.    I was the sole caregiver – I was both the driver and a front row passenger on this long journey and I knew that I, or anyone else, was powerless to stop it.   In that moment I was shocked and saddened by my reasoning; but no, I wouldn’t subject my dear man to that.  I had been living this journey with him which had forever changed our lives-  even if he did have something else, that wouldn’t change the result or course of treatment; so why put him through the added stress of more testing.  I just had to accept that putting him through endless tests wouldn’t change the diagnosis.   In that moment I promised him I would never take him back for any more tests….what was the point?

#AlanManningArt